Polarity

♥️ · December 2024 · 8 min read

I’m walking Lila at 8am today and I’m freezing because my dumbass decided to wear a dress in 40 degree weather. Not horrible for Ohio December, but still morning idiocy on my part. After walking over to Pace Cafe to pick up a lionsmane latte, I was eager to march home. However, Lila kept wanting to sniff the grass outside the nearby apartments. I felt so impatient as I stood there waiting for her, so I took a moment to process why this human moment was so challenging to me. It’s because I was physically freezing—tense shoulders, scrunched neck, shivering, and my legs were basically out bare—yet I was holding a very thin, hot cup of coffee which was essentially baking in my palm. I was experiencing polarity, and it was the jarring highs and lows of this contrast that made this situation so fascinating. And difficult to manage.

When I got back home, warm and sane again, I admired my living room wall. Halfway done with the second coat of paint and I was finally going to finish today, after almost exactly one full year of leaving it half-painted. I did the first coat December 28, 2023, and I was going to finish my final coat December 27, 2024. This felt so momentous and I had no one to really express the inspiration of this feat to. When I finished this afternoon, I feel like I summited a majestic mountain the world didn’t know existed.

I watched a TikTok the other day about how women living alone are the most liberated and emotionally sensitive demographic today. This is because in our solitude, allegedly, we can actively deprogram socialized narratives of pleasure, which usually revolve around diminishing our own needs to please other people. When we live alone, the things we do and paces we take are for us and no other.

I don’t know if this is true or not, but I do know that no one knows how to have fun more than me, and that is a direct result of my solitude. Frankly, I can’t remember the last time I was bored. It must have been before 2004. I think I’m well-equipped with solid self-entertainment skills due to my early childhood environments. I mentioned to Kerem I was a Montessori kid and he said “Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense now.” When I had free time in those mixed age classrooms, I would stow away on my own and draw maps of imaginary worlds—most notably, the Jenelan Islands—and write about their imaginary government systems. At home when my parents were out at their second and third jobs, I made my own deck of playing cards after memorizing the design of the 52-card deck I watched the after-school chaperones play Speed with, just so I could play Speed by myself at home (yes, I would compete against myself). Dance, my first art form, was something I took home from my weekly lessons with Miss Sarah and reinvented in my bedroom, making up new choreography building upon our learned routines. And when I discovered the internet on our family computer at age 7, well, my life both ended and totally began again.

As a 27 year-old, this has not changed. I am still that child. But I entered 2024 and ended 2024 in two totally seemingly different timelines. And I’m leaving this year with a much deeper sense of appreciation for these talents and creativities of mine, which would not be possible had I not had one of the most trying years.

I have had a hard time finding community where there's mutual appreciation and also mutual connection. I have made friends where we appreciate each other, but we don't connect. I've also made friends where we connect, but it's an unstable or ungrateful relationship. In general, I've been feeling a lack of connection, but I do have several people who I appreciate and appreciate me back.

Part of this is me still trying to figure out how I want to connect with people. I want to connect with people in an intellectually stimulating way, but also with people who have a similar level of life experience to reflect on together—ideally more. I'm seeking people who are genuine, thoughtful, curious, and open. Some connections have began this way, but through mutual fault or discoloration of our respective life lenses, we can't stay close. Relationship management is a core aspect of human life, and ups and downs part of it. I'm growing through all my experiences.

Some other dumb things happened too. In October, I had a warrant out for my arrest for missing all my court dates for a speeding violation, so I had to go through the logistics at the BMV. On every drive there, I would notice the comically colored water tower in North Olmsted, how it matched the green of the buildings in the strip mall, and the green paint of the curbs. Stuff like this made dealing with adult shit like arriving to court proceedings at 7pm for a speeding ticket a little more childlike. I remember one day sitting in the courthouse with the 30 or so other people, also being charged for traffic or cigarettes, and I looked over to the guy on my left. He was playing Candy Crush on his phone. We are all just children forever.

Also, a perpetual monster in my life: the messiness of my house. Right now, it's the messiest it’s ever been. Like, I'm honestly a bit impressed I made it this messy. In my house, where I'm the sole groundskeeper, things are messy for a while. Then I have a spurt of motivation to clean everything in one day, and then it’s back to order... but not for long.

And the boss monster in my life: sleep. Sometimes I love waking up at 5am. Right now, I’m writing this with Baby by Justin Bieber on repeat in the background. But I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t listen to some highly depressing Tegan and Sara last night when I was painting my walls. Sometimes I laugh to myself pondering what my neighbors must think of me. “Why has she been listening to the same Sam Smith song over and over again for 3 hours? Is she okay?” Again, highs and lows. The polarity of moods and energy and life.

Polarity is a blessing because you might not really ever know what you want, or how much you want something, until you’re forced into a totally different way. And the real secret is to just keep it pushing. And that’s how I overcome difficult, jarring polarities. I stop forcing my dog to walk in my direction and just follow her to wherever she wants to go, and then eventually we get back on track to go home. And that’s how all the polarities seem to go: you just have to submit to the right turns and wrong turns and ups and downs and opportunities and endings. You have to trust that the random whatever-the-hell situations and mixups will lead you to silver linings and better changes at some point. And it’s probably cold and bitter and you’re probably shivering, but you have to keep marching. And when you reencounter the warmth again, it’s going to be so good, so sweet, better than ever before.

✽